So, I just realized that it has been a really long time since I’ve put myself out there and I am quickly remembering why that is.

Rewind to a few weeks ago, I felt like I could take on the world. I’d been exercising every day and feeling pretty damn good about myself. I was having a great time flirting with boys and usually had a big smile on my face.

Then, I caught feelings for one. Feelings that were not reciprocated.

So now we’ve got the birth control wreaking havoc on my emotions, my MS that also makes me crazy moody and the guy I like tells me that I am not his type and that he just isn’t interested.

Well, holy fucking Niagara Falls. I cried until I had no tears left to cry. I’ve become a master at crying. I don’t even try to cry anymore and then suddenly feel tears falling down my face. I cry at commercials, songs, thoughts and heaven forbid someone says something remotely mean to me. There was once a time when I couldn’t cry in front of other people – Even at funerals. I miss that…. Now I can’t seem to stop.

It does hurt to feel like you’re not enough for someone else though. Even if at the end of the day you know that you’re pretty fucking awesome. Rejection sucks.

To be clear, I very much still love the D. This post is in no way about switching teams.

I’ve signed up for an MS walk in a few weeks and have just posted the link on my social media to hopefully get some donations. Sure, I am not shy about telling others about my disease, I just don’t think that my whole social media following knows. As a matter of fact, I would be surprised if half of the people on my Facebook had any idea at all.

Too late now to change my mind. Maybe my story will help people loosen up the purse strings and donate to a good cause. Tonight is going to be a short post because I’m in the middle of a mental breakdown that has my attention elsewhere. I’m sure I’ll write about that one soon. Or right now.. writing always makes me feel better.

Last year after getting my sight back, once I was able to drive again, I went camping alone for the first time in my life.

The first night was good, I had some beers, made dinner and smoked my brains out, sitting by the campfire. The weather was not great and it rained on an off for the majority of the evening.

I chopped tons of wood and was able to get my tarp up at least ten feet in the air. I must have crushed 8 beers that first night and I felt pretty damn good about myself. When you lose something as important as your sight, gaining back your independence is really freeing.

My solo camping came to an end soon after it started when my Dad showed up to check on me. We had a few beers before he eventually headed back home. He was the first visitor of many – most came and went, but my friend Alan showed up and stayed the night. This may come as a shock to some, but we got hammered.

Fast forward less than a year later and I am on my second solo camping trip. It’s almost midnight and I am shocked that I am still awake. Again, I had visitors for a couple of hours this evening, which was nice but now I’m getting ready to head off to bed. I no longer smoke or drink and my dumb ass forgot my tarp so I got pretty wet earlier today.

This is the first weekend that campsites are open in the Yukon and it is earlier than ever before. I was concerned about getting a spot today but when I arrived, I discovered that there was only one other group in the whole campground. It’s going to drop below zero tonight so I get it, but I feel like at the end of the season the temperature is about the same though. Fingers crossed that I don’t freeze overnight! 🤞🏻

Well, I’ve signed up to Bumble – an online dating site where the women initiate the conversations with men.

Why I thought that was important, I will never know. It’s not like I have stellar taste in choosing men who are not toxic. Day l.. swipe, swipe, swipe. FUCK. I just swiped right on someone that I KNOW and who I did not mean to. Panic sets in. How do I fix this before they know?!

Five minutes later, no further ahead with fixing my emergency, I get a notification that I have my first match. Guess who? No other than my mistake swipe. This is all working out swimmingly so far.

Swipe, swipe, swipe. I start to wonder if any of these guys are actually from Whitehorse. Have they been in hibernation? Some of these guys seem normal!

My beehive is getting ridiculously huge. Apparently these are people who have been in Whitehorse but are somewhere else now. They’ve all liked me so it’s up to me to decide if I like any of them. Start liking some guys in BC. Swipe, swipe, swipe.

So another thing with Bumble is you only have 24 hours to talk to each other once you match or you disappear. Well when you start matching with too many people, this becomes impossible to keep up with. What have I done?

My first conversation is with a fuckboy from Whitehorse who is in BC but on his way back to the horse. He tells me about his throbbing cock numerous times, although is unable to spell throbbing correctly once. I eventually tell him that I am not really looking for a fuckboy in my life and he wishes me luck and ends our conversation. I figure it’s Whitehorse and if I need a fuckboy later in the summer, he won’t be too hard to find.

Next I decide I better chat with my mistake match since we’re friends on Facebook and this is already going to be awkward as fuck when we see each other next. We have a normal conversation and move on with life.

Third guy I talk to is a geologist working in Keno – that started yesterday so I’ll update ya’ll when shit hits the fan there. Last thing I told him is that I don’t drink anymore so my camping trips will be very different this year. He hasn’t responded yet. I get it, sober girls are a drag. Wish me luck – more dating mishaps to come!

MS wise, I am now taking my full dose of medication (it was gradually increased when introduced because it can be hard on your stomach). I am a little concerned because I only have 3 days of meds left – a company in BC sends my prescription out so we’ll see how timely they are. My first dose was almost a week late. Sounds like this could be a shit show too.

While having a conversation with my friend recently, she said to me ‘Everyone comes into your life for a reason.’ I gave that some thought and decided that I loved it.

Good or bad, for a short period or a long period. What a good way to think about things. I have come across many people in my life, some I’ve wanted to let go of and others I’ve wanted to keep forever.

To think that those who are no longer in my life in this way makes me feel better. I’ve recently struggled with cutting a friend out of my life and the feelings of guilt and sadness that this decision have left me with have been very difficult on me.

Sober me has a heck of a lot more emotions rolling around inside me, which I suppose makes sense. How can you fully understand what you feel when you are drunk multiple times a week? I can’t help but overthink about things these days. I cry a lot more than I have ever before – It’s gotten weird. I used to only cry when I was alone, even when processing grief.

Just yesterday, I cried while on my after work walk and again when I was driving to my friend’s place for dinner. Last week I even cried at work. The only thing that I can compare this to is meeting a brand new person. I am learning more about myself every single day and how I feel. Apparently, I’m sad about a lot of things.

I’m not going to lie.. bitch might be crazy.

Last night we saw one of the most magical skies that I have been able to see in a while. I had to stay up much later than I like and my sleep is fucked as a result, but hey, it’s the weekend and hopefully I’ll bounce back!

You cannot look at these pictures and not be mesmerized by their beauty. Some friends and I drove up to a secluded area around 11pm last night. By secluded, I mean that we turned off the highway and drove roughly ten minutes.

We certainly were not the only people looking to catch the Northern Lights and passed many other vehicles pulled over to the side of the road with their cameras in hand. Once we found our spot, we stood outside and soaked in their beauty for over an hour.

Just as we were packing up to leave, the sky exploded with colour. Prior to then, we saw tons of green Aurora, but suddenly pinks and purples started to appear in the sky.

I would be lying if I said that we are not lucky to live where we do. The sky was magic last night and I was so happy to be able to enjoy it with friends.

We are in a time where many places are in lockdown, which is not the case in the Yukon. We are fortunate enough to be able to go to bars, pool hall and gatherings with our friends and to watch things like this together. I am very, very thankful for this.

Thursday I was finally able to meet with my MS specialist in person. She seemed very nice and said that I was doing all of the right things. She was happy with all of the life changes that I have made: healthy eating, quitting smoking, 5k walks every day, exercising, working to improve my insomnia and was especially impressed with the newest addition, meditation. She even uses the same app as I was instructed to get – she was legit over the moon.. 🤗

She was happy to hear about my new job and also felt that it would lead to less stress overall, which is what she is trying have me achieve.

The check-up itself went well and (in my words) she said that I was practically normal. Essentially, I showed very little long term MS effects. Everyone keeps saying that we caught this whole thing early and that treatment started early. Not sure how slow thing normally move but I feel like a year is a long time. I guess technically I wasn’t diagnosed until January – so 3 months later I started treatment.

She wants me to do another MRI so that we have a baseline since I just started my medication. She also wants to see me again in November, which is good – typically she sees her patients once a year in person. Guess I’m special?

Regarding the whole drinking thing, she wants to wait until we see my blood work in May (May 6th is my appointment). They are worried that my liver levels will be low since they were the last time the took blood. What I keep trying to make them understand is that when I was told that I wouldn’t be able to drink on the medication that they were going to put me on, I chose to binge drink. I didn’t want to be told that I couldn’t drink anymore and I decided to drink more and more. Not likely the smartest decision, but one I made nonetheless.

So, another month of sobriety is on the horizon. If my blood work looks promising, I may be able to have 2-5 drinks a week in the future. This is all good news. I’ll let you know what my blood tells us next month!

The battle of getting enough sleep is real. I think I’m making progress though, which is sweet! In my last post I told you about the podcast that I listened to on Saturday night…

I know, my life has become too wild for me to keep up with – I’m an animal.

Well, there were some great tips, 21 to be exact. I am barely following any but my sleep has improved. The big changes that I have made are: no more screens after 10 pm, moving my phone right out of my bedroom at night and buying an alarm clock (my phone was my alarm previously.)

It’s only my third night and I certainly still struggle with sleep, for example I woke up at 2 am last night as I usually do. The important part is that I was able to fall back asleep almost right away where previously I could have been awake for hours before falling back into a slumber.

Yesterday I also got acupuncture done for insomnia. I’ve never had that done before so it was a neat experience. The lady told me that my kidney and heart were not working well together – not that each was not working properly, but that they weren’t a very functional team together.

She also told me to drink more water and gave me a little rubbing technique to help me fall asleep. Not that rubbing technique you perverts, but that works too. She finished me off with cupping, which was also a first and left me feeling quite relaxed. I am going back to see her on Monday afternoon for round 2.

Other new news – I am finally meeting my MS Specialist, Dr. Sayao in person tomorrow. She comes to Whitehorse 3 times a year and I think only meets with patients face to face once per year (unless things are going wrong I suppose.) Hoping to gain a little more clarity on alcohol consumption and if a couple of drinks here and there are alright or not. I would like to celebrate my new job with a glass or two of champagne when the time comes. Plus it’s my friend’s bday weekend, so it could be a 2 for 1 night.

Not much to say about anything else, will update you on my dismal love life eventually – not sure how to express that into words quite yet.

Tonight I had a night filled with self care. I painted my nails and had a face and foot mask. A friend sent me some podcasts on how to improve my sleep so I listened to those and then gave meditation a try.

But before all of that, I cried. I cried for things that are out of my control. I cried for the friendships I’m bound to lose because of my new lifestyle, I cried for all of the shit that’s happening to me and I cried for not feeling like enough.

Before you go feeling sorry for me, I truly feel like crying is important, it allows you to reset and gives you the opportunity to let go of the shit that you would otherwise hold onto.

In all seriousness, some of the benefits of a good cry include that it lowers your blood pressure, it reduces something called manganese which impacts your level of anxiety, aggression and how irritable you are. It can also lower your risk for things like heart disease such as having a stoke or a heart attack! I strongly recommend having a good cry every once in a while when life is too much. Might I especially recommend it when you’re on your second period of the month.

While stopping drinking and eating healthy make sense to go hand in hand, when you’re having an evening like mine, avoiding alcohol and chocolate is a real buzz kill and doesn’t seem fair at all.

Fuck it, at least my toes look cute!

Caution to the men, this post is going to be about menstrual stuff.

Like I said briefly in a recent post that I ended up taking down shortly after posting, I recently had sex with a guy that I’ve known for a while but only recently have hung out with. When we hung out, I was just finishing my period so didn’t even think we would have sex. I like to joke now that he fucked the period right out of me.

Well, here’s the thing. I am not on birth control because I rarely fuck anyone these days but we didn’t use protection. So, the following day I made the embarrassing trip to the pharmacy to ask for a plan B pill which I have never had to do before.

First pharmacy didn’t even have it, so I just got the judgemental stare and had to move on to the next pharmacist to be judged yet again. Although the second pharmacy had what I needed, it didn’t stop with the look.

This time she had to make a comment about how Plan B didn’t always work on bigger girls. Seriously? Get fucked lady. I felt like asking her what her recommendations were for Plan C – should I throw myself down a set of stairs? What about Plan D? Did they sell coat hangers? I decided to just shut my damn mouth.

The day after taking the pill, I started spotting and four days later my full blown period started again. The fuck? How can you go right back into a period after finishing a heavy ass period? How much blood am I storing in this tank?

For two weeks now over the past month, my emotions have been all over the damn place as a result of this. Like with most women (I think!) I become very sensitive and can usually cry over the smallest thing when it’s that time of month. This is especially heightened with all the shit happening with my MS right now. The new medication and needing to stop drinking.

Needless to say, I’ll be going back on birth control. My damn doctor isn’t free until the 21st though so no dick appointments will be scheduled until after that time.