It’s been so long since I’ve posted a blog. Sometimes I write, but never post for you all to read. I use this venue to express myself and at times, my posts are too raw and emotional to share.

Let’s start with an MS update… nothing really new on that front. When I was doing all of the manual labour on my condo, I had tingles in my hand. I think I wrote about that but just in case, I’m telling you again! After the manual labour was done, no further tingling happened.

I am seeing the MS specialist on November 4th. Last time I saw her, she requested that an MRI be completed to have a baseline of my brain and spine since starting Tecfidera (my meds for MS). Well, that never happened so we’ll see if she speeds that along or if it doesn’t matter anymore for the time being.

Boys update.. I started seeing a guy named Mike. He works at YTG and is also going to school part time. He has two young girls and shared custody with his ex (1 week on, 1 week off.) He is probably one of the sweetest men that I have met in a very long time and I am happy that we met and are getting to know each other.

I am still hanging out with my first love (don’t think I ever named him here!), as friends. We took a couple of weeks apart and that seemed to help heal my heart a bit. Things are still challenging sometimes because feelings can creep up, but I’m pretty confident that we are moving forward and will be okay.

I am heading to Dawson City on Sunday to help support our Fibre launch and will return home on Tuesday. I’m missing my first Halloween in my condo! I have always loved handing out candy to the little kiddos and seeing their costumes. My friend Kelsey has agreed to come to my place and hand out treats since I have spent a fortune on chips, chocolate and candy. And then, at least I am not the bad neighbour who turns their lights out and doesn’t answer the door.

In other news, I went to the condo AGM and somehow was convinced to join the board. I really need to learn how to say no to people. More to come on what that all entails after we have our first meeting. All I know is that the president doesn’t pay condo fees. Saving $310 a month sounds appealing to me!

I swear, something like this would only happen to me.

I decided to start adding some decorations into my home. One of the first things that I put up were these little round mirrors above my bed. I loved how they looked and am considering buying more to make it even better!

Cute right?! Not practical at all, since you would have to stand on the bed to use a mirror but it looks pretty good.

Well, I put these up on Tuesday and then went to sleep as usual. I was rudely awoken by something smashing into my skull. Low and behold, it was a mirror that had come crashing down in the middle of the night.

The only mirror that has fallen is the one directly over my head. I was left with a huge bump on my head. Yesterday I didn’t notice any issues but today, I have a massive headache.

A couple of years ago, I gave myself a concussion when I was picking up Halloween decorations and didn’t pay attention when I stood up from a crouch and smoked the back of my head on the overhang of my parent’s house. Apparently, once you’ve had a concussion, it is easy to get more.

Lucky day!

For now the mirror is back up.. I think if any fall again, I will use nails instead of the stupid sticker things that I am using now. Better to damage the wall than my skull, right?!

I have been experiencing tingling in my left hand on and off for the past few days. This is a sign of MS and likely will show more brain lesions on my next MRI.

I am going to call my nurses, just to give them a heads up, but I don’t think that there is really anything that they can do. This is the first symptom that I have felt since starting Tecfidera. I am not sure how I feel about that — I was hopeful that if I was taking seriously strong drugs that I wouldn’t have any symptoms. So that’s kind of the shits.

Still making small improvements on the condo every day. I need to get back into painting but I am so tired that it seems daunting when I get off work.

I am finally starting to get back into a routine again since moving. It’s important that I keep up on my exercises and walks both for my mental and physical health. for a while I just gave up on tracking my meals and found myself quickly making bad decisions.

My new birth control seems to be working well. I should start my period this week and haven’t had any early surprises yet! Last time I increased the estrogen in my pill, I had very scary side effects and ended up in emergency with what I thought was a heart attack but turned out to be a panic attack. Happy to say that this has not been my experience at all so far with this pill.

Today, I am thankful that I do not have depression or severe anxiety. More and more people in my life are so negatively impacted by depression and I am so thankful that this is not the case for me. MS can cause depression and I do have sad days for sure but it is not crippling like it is in some people’s lives. It breaks my heart to see people I care about struggle with this. It is eye opening to see how many people are suffering.. I guess the world is a mess right now so it makes sense.

Also, fuck Justin. No update on this one but he used to read my Blog, so just a quick fuck you in case he ever decides to check in. I obviously do not think that he was in a severe car accident – I simply believe that he no longer wants to speak to me.

I took possession of my new condo on August 11th and have been off work for the last couple of weeks renovating. It is finally at a liveable state, although there still remains a lot to be done.

I’ve ripped out carpet and underlay, removed baseboards, filled holes – you name it! the place still needs to be painted, but by the time I finished the rest of the work, I decided that painting could wait a bit.

My flooring was finished on Friday and I think it looks amazing. The contractors ripped out tile and put my new vinyl flooring down in three short days.

My vacation is done tomorrow and I’ll be back at work. Seems like that passed in the blink of an eye.

Other than the condo, I have been seeing a new guy, Travis. Nothing serious, nor do I think that I want it to be. Just someone to comfort and hold me when my feelings get to be too much about the man that I love that doesn’t love me back.

Well today is my possession day of my new condo! Saying that I am stoked would be an understatement..

My Dad started not feeling well on Saturday and on Monday got the news that he was positive for Covid-19. Since we’ve been staying in the same house, I am very concerned that I will also test positive. I have been told to self-monitor and not self-isolate so that’s good, since I have so much going on this week.

He is doing better every day and yesterday told me that he no longer has any symptoms. We have been interacting very seldom and wearing masks in the house if we need to use common areas.

I am happy to say that I don’t have any symptoms of yet. I’ll be staying at my condo as soon as I take possession this afternoon so hopefully I’ve managed to avoid it altogether. He got it from the waitress at the KK who apparently started feeling symptoms last week.

I am supposed to get my flooring done this week so if all goes well that will still happen. For today, I plan on constructing my bed and moving in the necessities. I will worry about moving other things later – getting out and staying healthy is my #1 priority.

I’ve put in a big order for groceries that I’ll pick up tonight and have been buying things for the past couple weeks and freezing them so I should have tons of food for a while in case things turn sideways.

Since I’m monitoring, I won’t have much help because the last thing I would want is to get someone else sick. The move will be a lonely one but it’s for the best for sure.

I’ll update later but my plan is to wash walls and cupboards tonight. Patch the hole in the wall and start taking off baseboards. I picked up paint yesterday so I can start that if I run out of things to do. Highly unlikely to happen 😂

I feel like the only time I write in my blog is when things are falling apart (my mental health mainly..) so I thought that today I would try to post something since I am not crying or feeling broken hearted!

It’s a beautiful day outside and I have a positive outlook on the future and what it has to bring. I am moving into my condo in less than two weeks and have been in my new job (also supporting my old job, but whatever!) for almost a week. It seems to be going well and I feel like I am doing a lot better than my first day, when I was an absolute mess.

Tonight I get to golf with an amazing group of women. We always get to share some laughs and it’s nice to get outside in the sun for a few hours! My game isn’t always on point but who cares..

My schedule this weekend is extremely busy, which is unusual for me lately but the weather is supposed to be sunny and I hope to spend as much time as possible outside.

Next weekend we planned an impromptu golf trips to Mayo and Dawson City that I am looking forward to. It is a little ‘vacation’ before I am house poor for the next 25 years!

I feel like I am mourning a relationship that I never had to begin with. This must have been love.. at least a little.

Yesterday at work, when I started crying uncontrollably at my desk for too many times to count, I thought that this was insane and that I might need to take time off of work to deal with this bullshit.

It was also my first day in my new job. This job was supposed to start in May and I have been very excited to transition into it. I would like to make a good impression and start off strong but I feel like I am falling apart and just trying really hard to hold the pieces together.

My urge to run to alcohol and cigarettes is very strong and it is very difficult not to go back to my old ways when things are tough like this.

I’m sure that what little friends I have left are getting tired of seeing me mope around and be a sad sack. I feel like I am usually a happy person but I cannot seem to put forward the energy nor do I want to even try. I had a terrible sleep last night, worst than I can remember having in a very long time. I fell asleep quickly but woke up within the hour and was up on and off all night until I finally gave up around 7 am.

Today, he is having a woman over to his home, which I think is causing me the feelings of anxiety and panic. I have been the only woman there since I’ve known him so shit is officially real.

Anyone wanting to offer their advice on my situation has had similar thoughts:

Cut him out of your life entirely. No contact at all,

or

Find someone else to start sleeping with. The sooner the better.

No one seems to understand that yeah, he doesn’t love me back, but that he does give a fuck about me and doesn’t want to see me like this. Just like me, he is trying to find love and happiness. I have zero desire to cut him out of my life and would rather deal with having a broken heart for a bit longer than even giving this any thought.

I’ve considered the second option. I don’t usually just go for one night stands but the thought has been appealing (not only for the obvious reason of getting laid, but also there is no way I could screw someone and not have my mind off of this whole situation – at least for a bit). The jury is still out on this one.

I’ve also found a solution that seems to help me control the tears a bit. When I get overwhelmed I simply say and repeat ‘You cannot force someone to fall in love with you.’ As many times as needed. The statement itself is very true and reminds me that love isn’t forced and when it is, I imagine it doesn’t end well. This will usually stop me from starting to cry or calm me down enough to stop crying.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I think that when we met, I was in a very vulnerable state because of my MS and needing to quit drinking which created the perfect storm. I am very much more emotional now that I don’t get drunk to deal with my feelings. I needed someone and he showed up day after day to support me and talk about what I was going through. I couldn’t have asked for anything more and was exactly what I needed. Apparently, my heart grew quite fond of him as a result.

Once I am over this (a couple more days, right?!) I think that I am going to be a lot more guarded with my heart. I cannot imagine dealing with this again anytime soon. I hate the way I feel. I hate that I can’t just move on. I hate that my heart is controlling my thoughts. I hate that I can’t stop crying.

Today I am going to try to stay busy and keep my mind off of this whole ordeal. Lots of packing and cleaning and maybe I can even get some work done, since I feel ashamed about what went down on my first day yesterday.

After what seems like a year of looking at real estate, I will finally have a place to call home.

I put an offer on a condo last week and heard the news that my offer had been accepted! I am finally going to buy a place! The best part is that I feel like I didn’t overpay — I put that they needed to give me 5k to replace the floors and they agreed, so that’s sweet!

I take possession on August 11th and I am very excited. I bought a new mattress, towels, glasses and spent the weekend looking at flooring and paint. Still lots to buy – I think I’ll look at furniture this week.

I was planning a trip to meet a special guy the week that I am supposed to get my condo. This is someone who has been in my life for around 10 years and who I appreciate a lot, but we have never met before.

I was def nervous when we decided to meet and was unsure of what it would be like and how it would change our relationship. Well, no need to worry about that because my decade old friendship has suddenly stopped and he won’t respond to any of my attempts to reach out!

Guys are so fucked up.

Bumble is always interesting and I have a lot of matches waiting for me to message them. Most of them are in Northern BC or NWT but a few are in Whitehorse. Online dating is exhausting though. There is a 28 year old who is here from Calgary and really wants to hook up — that’s all he’s interested in though. I shared my Snap and we talk every day but mainly about how he wants to stick it in me 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m a full decade older than his ass.

I’ve also started talking to a guy that I met on TikTok. He is from Victoria and we spent all of Saturday night chatting. He’s cute and I’m looking forward to getting to know him better. He has 11k followers though – mostly thirsty women. Doubt anything will come of it, but it’s been nice flirting and talking with him.

I’ve lived my life pretty alone for the most part. I mean, I’ve been surrounded by friends and family but I have never had a long term partner.

Until recently, I hadn’t really thought about that being problematic. I feel loved by the people that I surround myself with and that has always seemed to be enough for me.

I am not so sure about that anymore. You see, I’ve gotten myself in a bit of a fucked up situation. I have developed feelings for someone who does not share the same feelings for me. That’s not unusual I suppose and probably happens all the time. What makes this messy is that we have become very close friends and now I couldn’t imagine not having him in my life.

In order to move forward, I need to watch this man develop new relationships with women and as a close friend not only be supportive of this, but should also encourage him finding love.

Is this even possible when the very thought of that brings me to tears and makes me feel like my heart is breaking? When I take a moment to consider the alternative though, not having him in my life at all seems much worst. This thought also brings me to tears because I want to be able to talk to him about my life and to hear what’s happening in his.

I think that I had myself convinced that he might start to develop feelings for me. Why wouldn’t he? I am funny, sweet, caring and thoughtful – I’m pretty awesome. I’ve now started to accept that this will not be the case, which is overall more painful to digest but I think that acceptance is important in order to move forward with my life and for us to have any real sort of real chance at a continued friendship, which is what I want.

All you can do is live life one day at a time. Learn, grow and repeat. I know that whatever happens here, we will stay friends for a very long time. The journey to get there might be a challenge but I know that it is worth it.

I’m not sure who even read these anymore but the one thing I know is that if I’m not writing, no one has anything to read. I’m sorry about that – I can’t seem to find enough time in the day to get everything done.

I guess I’ll talk MS stuff first. I have blood work tomorrow and I am not sure what it will show. I drank more than I should have on a recent trip to Mayo – nothing like I would have in the past, but more than the two drink limit per week that I have been sticking to. Not my most shining moment but sometimes you just fuck up. Well, I do anyway.

After this blood work, they will only be checking it every 3 months (it has been every month since starting the drugs.) Unless I fucked up my liver bad and they lose their shit tomorrow I suppose. I don’t believe that’s the case though.

My Mayo trip was amazing! What a nice campground they have. We stayed at 5 Mile and there was a warm lake that we made sure to visit daily. We had very warm weather – almost 30 degrees every single day! I stayed in my friends 5th wheel and certainly got the most sleep out of everyone. Eating in this calorie deficit/macro counting is the most difficult part about camping. I feel like I’m always eating, which can be annoying.

We spent an afternoon exploring Keno Hill and all of the old cabins and mines that you can see. Super cool day – I couldn’t believe that I had never been before this year.

On Saturday we got to visit our friend Kyle, who is working at a gold mine for the summer. One of those ones with a TV show on Discovery. We got to tour the camp, meet all the TV folk, check out some gold that they mined and have a few drinks with everyone. All in all, it was a good time and everyone I met were pretty down to earth and chill.