I hate this

I feel like I am mourning a relationship that I never had to begin with. This must have been love.. at least a little.

Yesterday at work, when I started crying uncontrollably at my desk for too many times to count, I thought that this was insane and that I might need to take time off of work to deal with this bullshit.

It was also my first day in my new job. This job was supposed to start in May and I have been very excited to transition into it. I would like to make a good impression and start off strong but I feel like I am falling apart and just trying really hard to hold the pieces together.

My urge to run to alcohol and cigarettes is very strong and it is very difficult not to go back to my old ways when things are tough like this.

I’m sure that what little friends I have left are getting tired of seeing me mope around and be a sad sack. I feel like I am usually a happy person but I cannot seem to put forward the energy nor do I want to even try. I had a terrible sleep last night, worst than I can remember having in a very long time. I fell asleep quickly but woke up within the hour and was up on and off all night until I finally gave up around 7 am.

Today, he is having a woman over to his home, which I think is causing me the feelings of anxiety and panic. I have been the only woman there since I’ve known him so shit is officially real.

Anyone wanting to offer their advice on my situation has had similar thoughts:

Cut him out of your life entirely. No contact at all,

or

Find someone else to start sleeping with. The sooner the better.

No one seems to understand that yeah, he doesn’t love me back, but that he does give a fuck about me and doesn’t want to see me like this. Just like me, he is trying to find love and happiness. I have zero desire to cut him out of my life and would rather deal with having a broken heart for a bit longer than even giving this any thought.

I’ve considered the second option. I don’t usually just go for one night stands but the thought has been appealing (not only for the obvious reason of getting laid, but also there is no way I could screw someone and not have my mind off of this whole situation – at least for a bit). The jury is still out on this one.

I’ve also found a solution that seems to help me control the tears a bit. When I get overwhelmed I simply say and repeat ‘You cannot force someone to fall in love with you.’ As many times as needed. The statement itself is very true and reminds me that love isn’t forced and when it is, I imagine it doesn’t end well. This will usually stop me from starting to cry or calm me down enough to stop crying.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I think that when we met, I was in a very vulnerable state because of my MS and needing to quit drinking which created the perfect storm. I am very much more emotional now that I don’t get drunk to deal with my feelings. I needed someone and he showed up day after day to support me and talk about what I was going through. I couldn’t have asked for anything more and was exactly what I needed. Apparently, my heart grew quite fond of him as a result.

Once I am over this (a couple more days, right?!) I think that I am going to be a lot more guarded with my heart. I cannot imagine dealing with this again anytime soon. I hate the way I feel. I hate that I can’t just move on. I hate that my heart is controlling my thoughts. I hate that I can’t stop crying.

Today I am going to try to stay busy and keep my mind off of this whole ordeal. Lots of packing and cleaning and maybe I can even get some work done, since I feel ashamed about what went down on my first day yesterday.