So maybe I’m a submissive?

I can say with certainty that I at the very least have some submissive tendencies. When you take alcohol away, shit can get weird. Like weirder than I ever expected was possible.

Never have I ever thought that I was submissive before but I very clearly react when certain things are said to me.

In my previous post, I spoke about the man who is only interested in being friends. This remains the case and I think we’re doing a good job so far, we speak frequently and both understand that you can’t change the way you feel.

Now the reason for bringing him up is because these feelings began when we started talking. He would say little things that would immediately cause a reaction in me. Things like ‘I am very disappointed’ or ‘Good girl’. I have certainly always been a people pleaser, but this is really some next level shit.

I didn’t know at that point if this was something about him that was making me feel the way I was, or if I really wanted to be submissive. He thought that I should give it a shot with someone else to see how I responded.

And here is where I really fucked up.

A smart person would be really selective with telling someone that they might be intrigued by being a submissive. A smart person, I am not.

So, what’s my next play? Why don’t I tell this cute guy in BC that I’ve been chatting with for a few days and see how things go? What could go wrong? A lot. A lot could go wrong.

I certainly lost control for a bit and made a few decisions that most sane people wouldn’t consider. In the end, I regained some of my composure and did not get fired, so I would call it a small win? I did learn that this is really a thing. I think that I like to please and being called a good girl can cause a deep seeded reaction in me. I also learned that if things get taken too far, I could easily throat punch the guy if they’re being a dick. I guess that’s also good?

My new friend in BC is not meant to be a Dom and is much better suited to be a sweet guy, which is alright. In retrospect, I’m not sure if he didn’t know what he was doing, or maybe it’s that he didn’t believe in the power of the words that he was saying but it simply wasn’t the same. Though I listened to most of his wishes, I didn’t feel the same internal response.

Am I into being tied up and gagged? I’m not so sure about that quite yet – at this point I just want to be told that I am a good girl. I’ll figure out the rest as I go.

Just another new and exciting update in the fucked up world of me.